Vulnerable Heart

Let me tell you, being a dad is not what I thought it was going to be. Well, it is, but it is MUCH more than what I was ready for.

Perspective… my first stint as a father didn’t last long, at least by these earthly terms – 8 months 7 days, 12 hours and change… It opened me to my core and then left a huge train wreck with freight cars piling up for what seemed like forever (still going on sometimes). The pain and damage was unfathomable… as any parent who has lost a little one knows.

But about 5 years after her passing, I am listening to a ultrasound tech talk about the baby we are looking at when she says, “Well, there’s Mr Winkie.”

I was really thinking to myself, “Who the hell is Mr. Winkie? Poor kid, bet he gets picked on all of the time.” What I did say was “Excuse me, run that past me one more time?”

She said, “Mr. Winkie,” while nodding her head toward the screen.

I just said, “Huh?”

She looked at me like I was stupid and said “It’s a boy!” She then rolled her eyes and went back to her ‘Barbie’ like ways.

I was thinking again, NOT SPEAKING, “Well, that can’t be my son because that is WAY to small,” but in reality I just ‘assumed’ child number 2 was going to be a girl. It took me a while to digest all of this… well, maybe 3.2 seconds. “I have a son!” The day he was born was very different than his big sister. He was ready to get out. Transition happened quickly and he literally ‘popped’ out. I called him the first Kennon to bungee jump because ‘the ole cord’ went tight when he came flying out. The nurse and I delivered him. The doctor never made it… clearly my boy had an agenda.

He had me from the ‘get go’. Now in truth, I can’t say Haven’s death didn’t bring me into focus on being a dad, but from the start I was 110% in with Cayden. I knew my mission… I just didn’t understand the ramifications of my mission.

My heart…

When he was little he needed me and didn’t shy away from it. He would throw those little arms around my neck and scream “Daddy!” Every time this occurred something more deeply resonated within my heart, and every time this happened something within me expanded to meet that expression. With each expansion, I became more vulnerable; the more vulnerable I felt, the more protective I became. These two states of being seemed diametrically opposed yet were symbiotically created. One could not exist without the other like the ebb and flow of a warm summer’s ocean tide.

I was not ready…

Cayden would help out on little projects… well… NOT really. It was me working on the dishwasher, lawn mower, car etc., and he stayed somewhat in orbit, but it was more about me keeping him close. If he were a moon, it is clear he would have headed out into the universe. I remember that for him, at a young age, the color red meant ‘boo boo’. I had been working on a car in the back yard and had spraypainted some of the parts. The red spraypaint left some overspill on the ground.

He was riding his bike in the back yard, and as he rode past the red spot he said, “Oh look, the ground has a boo boo.” He was developing.

No one except Elizabeth knows this, but I’ve kept all of his voice mails from the years around the divorce. Part of is me is forcing myself to remember ‘why I pulled the trigger on breaking up the family’, and the other part this is my own form of self flagellation. “Hey Daddy it’s Cayden, you told me I could call you any time I wanted if I needed or missed you, and I miss you. Please call me.”

My heart just stops every time I hear this.

As he was growing from a small child to a young man I would always hug him and kiss him. When he was a little kid it was nothing, but as he has aged up I can see the discomfort it brings him, especially when he is at school. Of course, I don’t stop. But I’ve always wanted him to never shy away from being affectionate.

A few years ago, Elizabeth convinced me to watch Eat, Pray, Love. Major chick flick for sure, but toward the end of the movie the main character finds the man she loves. He has a son whom he loves with all his heart. When his son is away his heart is empty; when he sees him he weeps, and he kisses all over him. In the movie the son, now a grown man, says to ‘Liz’ the main character, that his father’s affection used to embarrass him, but now he can’t go without it and would know something is wrong if he father wasn’t so affectionate.

(That’s when it became a good movie to me).

My heart is wide open to Cayden, and I was not prepared for this part of the mission statement. I am a VERY protective person… for myself and those I love. Haven’s death caused a huge wall of brick and mortar around myself to keep me from hurt. Little did I know, the 20 years of unhealthy marriage and her death had taught me not to trust in love.

But when Cayden showed up the process of the walls coming down started. I didn’t know it was possible. I also didn’t know it would hurt so much.

I was away for a business trip not long ago. I was gone for 4 days. I speak to my son at least once a day when he is not with me and even at 13, we still have nighttime prayers. Coming home, when I landed at RDU, I drove straight over to his school where his basketball game was about to start. He didn’t know I was there, but I sat in my chair, watching him from a distance. Tall, lean, goofy and all… and my heart just flooded open again to this part of the mission… wide open vulnerability.

He has me and I can’t hide from it, turn from it, or cover it. I can’t stop…

I find myself uncomfortable at times with the need for him, the fear of losing him, and the knowing one day we will be parted for a time.

Is it worth it?

You betcha it is.

One other thing…

I believe this is a ‘representation’ of God’s love for all of us.

Peace on your Journey this coming week.