In my opinion we all go through levels of ‘dark’ or challenging times. It is one of the great equalizers of life. When these dark days come, it’s easy to get lost in the dread and gloom of it all. It’s much like a dead in black and white road to nowhere. But instead of finding a way out, I think there is a way through. In the last 6 months life has been very hard for me. “Whine, whine, whine, I know,” …but I wanted to share with you not so much my sorrow and pain, but the path.
I love history and one of the reasons I do is there is so much to learn from the footsteps of the ancients who have walked before us. Solomon said ‘there is nothing new under the sun’ and boy did he hit the mark on that one.
I’ve shared things around my daughter in the hope that it ‘shows’ what is really going on with one person’s struggles that might relate to your own life. I don’t talk much about the divorce much because it’s controversial at best and relationships still need to be maintained as I co-parent. I NEVER talk about work… other than to generally mention things, for obvious professional reasons.
Some years I do okay with the time around when Haven left. This year… I did not. It was dark, like looking into a pool of old motor oil. Also, as I have aged my body doesn’t do things like it used to do. (Still waiting Elizabeth’s dad to hit his 90’s before I take him on in racquetball!) Shoulder surgery took me out for a while, and the 12 month long-term prognosis is taxing. The emptiness that can happen at times with life has been more palpable than ever the last 6 months, and a constant darkness over a number of things has literally steered the course of this ship like an ever present ghost taking the wheel.
(delete this paragraph) I am constantly ragged on about being a control freak…but in my world, I am just trying to do all I can to keep the plates spinning. It’s funny, my ‘mo’ as some see it comes across as just not paying attention while others see the frantic, maniac, behind the curtain pulling levers as fast and as hard as he can.
So what is the deal with these tough times? Let me first say… “I don’t know.” But what I believe is it is a ‘test’. Now before you go all ‘religious performance’ based on me around the word ‘test’ let me say, ‘test’ in the context of what I am saying is about getting better, stronger, or ‘closer’ to what the Divine, God, desires in my life. The lower edge of this ‘testing’ is about performance or to see if you’ve ‘learned’ your lesson which leans more toward ‘fault, blame’ and ‘trying to be good enough’. It leans more toward a race, a competition. I think that misses the mark.
To me, though we love to use the picture of running a race, I see it not so much a competition between others but within myself. So I ask myself, what are the things I have learned in the last 6 months.
- Ego – Just call me the definition of it. 🙂
- Doubt – Thomas has nothing on me. I am the big hound dawg on the porch of fear, barking out my proclamation of doom and gloom at the moon every night.
- Negativity – I literally don’t know any other way to see the world. When I go out I am always on the look out for the ‘bad’ things.
- Panic and Fear –
What is this all about?
Competition or performance?
I think not.
The reason I ask is that this is how I try to keep from getting lost in the shuffle of it all.
What do I think?
I think it is about ‘meaning’…
I think it is about ‘purpose’…
If those don’t fly your burrito then the last thing is… I think it’s all about faith.
It seems that if one’s life calling is clear, then up or down, left or right, our soul’s have an anchor in the tumult of life. I am not saying those who ‘know’ what their calling is don’t face tough times, because we all know there are crisis of life and faith that give us pause. But instead of trying to be ‘happy’ or trying to find ‘joy’, I think finding the track of one’s life allows the happiness and joy to bubble up more often than not, and keep us on course as we tumble through the turbulent waters that life can present.
When I was a child I loved going to the ocean. I would look at the boats plying the intracoastal waterways and just marvel at what that must be like to be out on the water like that. I was so envious of of those who were blessed to participate with the sea and wind in this way. Never did I imagine one day that would be me. I have lost count of how many hours I have spent moving with the tides and waves over the last few years. One of the things I love is how the sun reflects off the water. If a butterfly had glass or mirrored wings, it would be like watching the sun reflect off the millions of butterfly wings when you look at the sun on the water at times. It’s breathtaking.
I think ‘happiness’ is often a choice, but I think ‘joy’ is something else, like those flapping wings I just described. From time to time, those butterflies wings flap and there is a split second of ‘joy’ that hits my soul. I can’t explain it but it is… just what I said. It happens.
There are times when things from my childhood bubble up, like ‘Marlin Perkin’s Wild Kingdon, presented by Mutual of Omaha’ (You are dating yourself if you know what I am talking about.) Then it was the ‘Disney hour’ which did the same thing for me. Why? I don’t know. Childhood nostalgia? Or getting to skip church on Sunday night… Those childhood memories take me back to a time when all 5 of us, Mom, Dad, Mike, Brad and I would rush down stairs, sometimes with snacks, pile up and watch Marlin Perkins do his thing.
I wonder, if the flicker of joy is actually something from so far back we don’t ‘know’ but somehow… we so ‘know’. I deeply believe that before any of us ‘were’ (had our names, bodies, personalities, issues…) we lived in a place held by love. And, I wonder if those moments really don’t point us to the real issue which more than anything else is ‘faith’. I think the flicker of joy I am describing is much like the cycle of a lighthouse beam over the waters. It’s not just pointing a ‘way’ home but it is ‘you are not alone, you are not lost, you are near the shore.
As the dark nights roll for us all, I pray that through Faith that ‘flicker’ of joy, of direction or purpose beams in your heart. I pray you ‘know’ that you aren’t an accident and the state you are living in actually had a purpose. I pray that you experience Faith that you were loved before you were you.
God keep that light flickering.
Peace on your journey this week.
