Still Looking…

November 20th of this year Haven is 20 years old. Some of you know my daughter passed away years ago, some of you don’t however, I always take this time of year to ‘reflect’ on the changes of the tides in my life and try to ‘learn’ from what has happened.  

July 27th is a deep impression, scar in my soul since this was the day she slipped away. She has been gone 19 years or 6940 days. Though I can’t say this is a life time …it does strike me, remember how ‘old’ we used to think 19 was?!

One of the things that has been a struggle is wearing this pain on my sleeve so others see it or choosing to hide it.

I choose both in hopes that ANYONE who reads or sees this that has to follow the same path find some peace, some direction or at a minimum, see that someone understands this path.

Not long ago Elizabeth, her youngest son Jonathan, and I went to see a movie – the new Pixar Finding Dory/Finding Nemo franchise. The short version is that Dory is looking for her parents. The ‘idea’ of a little lost girl, at this time of year broke me open and caught me off guard. I don’t like having these kind of vulnerabilities that I can’t control. It is one of the ‘issues’ I’ve learned to live with. At times, unseen or unknown to me, something will crack open this wound. I cried through a good portion of the movie. You know the kinda cry where you are trying to hide it but it keeps surfacing and you don’t know why?

Yea that kind. Leaving the theater I could tell something deep was churning and I really wanted to pull this ‘thread’ and find out what was going on. With caution, I pulled to try and find out what it was attached too. I assumed, like exploring a river in a small boat, I would eventually find the ‘source’. It’s hard for me to have something so deep bother me and not know where it originates from. In truth, work has been VERY stressful and it’s taking me away from family, flying, sleeping etc. We all have things like this happen, but I kept thinking the combination of work, stress, lack of sleep was what was going on with me. I am a very emotional person and have deep reactions to things. I tell Elizabeth often, ‘my greatest strengths are also my greatest weakness’. This is one of those times for sure where my emotional awareness and sensitivity doesn’t serve me best.

AS I thought about the work thing, I realized it might add to what is going on but ‘nah’…this ‘groaning’ on my insides only comes from one place. Once you’ve been there, you never forget. 

A deep longing, unfathomable missing, a gap that over 19 years I have learned to live with, but can forget how ‘exposed’ and raw this is.

The bottom line…She isn’t here.

Is this my fault?

Did I cause this in anyway?

Does she feel ‘forgotten’ in anyway by her daddy?

I can pontificate all all over the place about how ‘her’ presence is around. There have been times when I go to the ocean and I am taking the crossing from Swan Quarter N.C. to Ocracoke N.C on the ferry, I ‘feel’ something familiar but it’s usually a ‘wisp’ like how the ocean breeze blowing past feels. However, it isn’t a ‘sit down and converse’ kinda of thing. Maybe these are ‘gifts’ or ‘glimpse’ God gives us from the other side, but in the end, it is nowhere near the same. Or… maybe this is a crazy old man looking at the horizon for one of his children? I really don’t know…

I ask myself, “Is she looking for me? Does she know I ‘look for her’ often”? To this day I see an auburn haired woman and I find myself wondering, “Does my Haven look like this?”

I try not to stare ever, because someone might think I am ‘checking things out’, but in reality I am just ‘looking’.

• Looking to fill the gap?
• Looking to answer the questions that I have?
• Looking for a glance or feeling that might ‘feel’ like my daughter?
• Looking for that connection.

All I know is at year 19 I ‘thought’ the pain would be manageable. I thought the longing would be ‘contained’ in a nice tidy box one puts life’s memories into, and stores in the attic locked away.

That’s not the case at all. So every year I ask myself, “What have I learned since her passing?” I have always said that God is the source of ‘recycling’. He wastes nothing…   

Ever…

So what have I learned? Well, I am not sure all of the lessons have stuck. I do remember not long after she slipped away that ‘life’ in general got a ‘level set’. No worries could touch me because I had just learned that 99% of everything we struggle with pales in comparison, and it just isn’t worth our time and energy worrying about things that really shouldn’t be given such power in our lives. Please see the word ‘given’…

Things like:

• Bills
• Job
• Status
• Being liked.
• Being hated.
• Comfort
• Food
• Clothing
• What others think.

The list goes on. These things in life are ‘given’ our energy, given our power, and we all ‘act’ like we fall victim to these situations but in reality, most of the time, it is us ‘giving’ it away.  It is amazing how quickly a ‘level set’ can be eroded. I know you know… job, status, bills, money etc., ‘shouldn’t’ hold such power over us. But we all know… boy do they!

However, when I ask myself, “What I have learned this year?”, I have to pause and say, “I am not sure.” I don’t measure or quantify it. But what I do measure?

• The time
• The absence
• The instability, or emotional roller coaster

I would say these aren’t the best things to measure or learn. I spoke to Elizabeth about this after the movie. For anyone who knows her, she is a great listener. As we talked about Haven’s absence, the feeling of ‘loosing’ her, the fear of there even being one microsecond of her feeling like I am not there for her, or feeling abandoned by me… these words just came out of my mouth without any engagement or thought.

“Maybe what I am looking for isn’t her so much as a deep need to find ‘Him’.

Silence.

I think for all of us when we are not ‘trying’ is when some of the most ‘divine’ or inspired things come out. Driven by the emotion of the moment I heard myself say these words.

Maybe deep down for all of us the things that we love the most are all inspired and driven by Him, through Him and from Him. We say it’s the things we know, the people we love but I wonder how much of it is actually Him masquerading or hiding Himself in and through the ones we love?

I am not saying things ‘here’ are shallow or empty but I wonder, if the true lasting things we all crave, need and desire aren’t what we think… but actually Him? Until the answer comes, I will keep looking for Him and her and one day, it will all make sense. 

Peace on your Journey this week.