I Swore I Would Never Say That…

I Swore I Would Never Say That…

I have been having a little bit of an issue with my son. He is full bore sixth grade, and drinking testosterone like it’s a soft drink. He has gone from being a sweet, cuddly little boy, to a smelly, tall, big foot, man-child. I remember very clearly, after my 8 months with Haven, the shock I felt when the ultrasound tech said, “Well, there’s Mr. Winkie”.

“What? You mean…” I paused, and she filled in the gap. “He’s a boy”.

“A boy!” I was really not thinking he was going to be a boy. My head was around a girl, just because that was all I had known. I wasn’t sure how to be a dad to a son. I was worried, scared, confused, and thrilled all at the same time. Funny, how being a parent does that to you!

But here we are 12 years later and my man-child has these 6 grade habits that I fuss at him about all of the time. One of them is that he loves, identifies and thoroughly enjoys being a pain in the neck to everyone. Let me pause my story to say, I have noticed that I’ve forgotten some of the things I did in the past. Why? I don’t know, but it takes someone else to dig them up and remind me. Universal truth here about to coming spilling out here… kids do this to us, don’t they? They remind of us of how we acted when we were kids. Ha!

Well, I was coaching, guiding, elaborating… (‘fussing’ is a better word), at Cayden about his practical jokes and being a pain in the butt. He came back with, “Well, what about the time you did the lawn mower thing to your friends?”

The best word for my internal reaction can’t be put in writing because my momma taught me better than to say such things. So let’s just go with… I had a collective, internal, immediately regretful, “No way out of this moment” reaction when the youngling has a point, which culminated with words to myself, “Oh crap Kennon, now what are you gonna say?”

I had to be about his age, maybe a little younger. Those of you who are my age know how different our generation was. We actually went OUTSIDE, actually climbed TREES, we actually built THINGS, threw ROCKS, rode bikes (perish the thought) without HELMETS, ran around in the YARD… notice something in common? No computers or video games. Rain was really the worst, because then we couldn’t go OUTSIDE.

I was not a sports guy. I was a mechanic type. I spent my hours either playing with, or taking things apart. It took a little time for the ‘putting them back together part’ actually worked, but it was a GREAT learning experience of how engines, bikes, motorcycles, cars… mechanical stuff works.

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So, I was tearing down a gas powered lawn mower. I had pulled the plug off and noticed when I cranked it, the engine spun fast and free because there was no compression. Now the spark plug is powered by something called a ‘magneto’. This device produces a powerful, but split second jolt of electricity, produced from the magnets spinning around on the fly wheel. When you pull the cord to start the engine, the magnets spin past a stationary magnetic and current is created. The power produced through the ‘magneto’ is connected to the spark plug and timed to go off at just the right second of compression to ignite the gas in the cylinder. Thus you get ‘combustion, power, movement’.

The voltage put out by the spark plug is very high, but the current is very very low. It will not kill you, unless you are standing on the edge of a cliff or in front of a airplane propeller, because you will ‘jump’.

This… I did not know.

I was amazed at how fast the engine would turn without the spark plug in it and I indivertibly touched the spark plug wire while playing around, and literally got the shock of my life. I gave a nice little scream, fell back and hit the ground on my butt. It took about 10 seconds and then I started laughing. To my recollection this is what I remember. To his bad fortune, at that moment my younger brother came outside to play. I cajoled him into coming over to see the coolest thing I had ever discovered. I convinced him that he needed to hold this tiny little wire while I pulled the cord. He complied, (still a slight source of guilt for me), but nonetheless, he held on tight while I pulled with all of my strength.

images (1)The flywheel made a number of turns and the shock hit him a good 6 times before he let go. He was howling and screaming and I was on the ground rolling in the dirt laughing. He was mad, upset, hollering at me, threatening to tell mom, when I said  “go get Mike ”(our older brother). He stopped protesting and his face totally changed. Sorta like the Grinch who stole Christmas, when he finally sees the truth. It was a look of ecstasy…

So we repeat the process, with the brother setting up the brother while I waiting in glee to see another victim fall prey, and watch them jerk in spasms as I shock the crap out of them. Oh, he didn’t take near as long to bounce back and said, “Let’s get Walter”. He was a neighborhood friend. The problem with this is most kids are not great poker players so with three of us telling Walter, “Oh yea, check this out. Just hold on to this little wire, you will not believe what happens next,” it’s hard to hide the thrill and joy on our devious faces.

However, Walter grabbed the wire and I shocked him to the next county. He jumped like he was at a AC/DC concert. (Pun Intended) And on it went… “Let’s get Taurance,” then it was Jr, and the list went on. Now, you tell me… if you came into my back yard, saw 8 little boys trying to convince you that holding this little wire was the coolest thing in the world, would you fall for it? I mean we had a line of little guys who had been zapped with 30,000 volts, who had their eyeballs bulged by me and the old mower… if it were me, I wouldn’t step foot into that back yard. But they did. I don’t recall how this ended. I am not sure if mom found out we were collectively torturing the neighborhood one child at a time, or if the crowd go so big the gig was up and no one fell for it any more, but it brings me back to Cayden confronting me, and what do I say?

“Do as I say, not as I do.”

Man, I swore I would never say that!

Safe Travels this week and Happy Thanksgiving!

 

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