People in general are just ‘folks’. What I mean by that is, we are all a lot a like. Yes, there is that rare breed that that makes you shake your head and wonder if they really have the IQ of a lemon, but for the most part… we are all the same. As I said, people are just folks. They put their pants/skirt on just like everyone else. No matter who they are, that is just the way it is.
Plain ole’ folks are what make up relationships, and that is where the rub comes in. I told someone one time, that travel is set up for the lowest common denominator. I didn’t mean this in a bad, or mean spirited way. I meant it as, the signs are big, they use a lots of arrows and symbols, and it’s hard to get lost. Trust the signs, and if in doubt, ask.
Relationships are much harder to deal with, and it isn’t as easy as following a sign. They take work. (Not a lowest common denominator thing!) How many millions of dollars have been made trying to ‘help’ us regular ‘folk’ learn how to make relationships work? However, when TV came on the scene, we got a whole new ‘flavor’ of how relationships work. Shows boiled down the easy points, and in 22 minutes or 47 minutes (30 minute, or hour programs), you learned about romance, commitment, sex, child rearing, etc. It was simple and it all got spelled out in a few minutes… Not decades…
Decades is how life usually pan outs. (Over a long period of time)
So here are some nuggets I have learned with my own made up ‘names’.
“Trustation” – Make a plan for life that includes ‘trust’ – Try, try, and try again. You can take classes all day (and night) long; spend money, time and energy, but at the end of it all, it comes down to two people (or more, depending on if he/she has more than one personality), to make this work. When the romance and ‘fun’ is slips away as it does from time to time, it comes down to trust. Without trust… it’s gonna rust. (I just made that up, can you tell?) Trust is the hinge on the door of your relationship. Without it, that door will stay closed.
You need to give it your all, because, as Groucho Marx once said, “Alimony is sorta like buying hay for a dead horse.” It’s gonna cost you no matter what, so make sure you’ve done everything you can do.
The next thought is what I call “The Knight in Shining Armor” syndrome. The world “Knight” is important. If you get into a relationship based on being a rescuer, i.e., you are so insecure you need this to justify your existence in relationship, and your partner has to be ‘rescued’ because she/he identifies with being helpless and having someone else take care of them, you are headed for the rocks, brothers and sisters. Good ‘knight’ on that relationship.
I think about it like this. Han Solo is a cool character from Star Wars and he shows up in the nick of time to save the day. I know a lot of women who would swoon over him back in the day, and would love for him to ‘rescue’ them.
Uh… just a reminder…
HE’S.
NOT.
REAL.
… and neither is your fantasy of fulfilling this position in someone’s life everyday. Or how about Tonto and the Lone Ranger… the Key word here is “LONE” as in ‘alone’…he ain’t gonna be around for the day-to-day long haul. He just wants to pop in, save the day, get his kiss and move on. Tell me how that one would work?
One day the drama will be too much to overcome, and your laser pistol will no longer fire. (Take that any way you like.) Rescuing, rather than partnering for success, is okay every once in a while, but when it is your full time identity, well, you and Han aren’t real, and the story will end badly. If your relationship is built on this sandy ground, you can say “good knight” to your relationship.
My next ones are “LD’ers”…(Not learning disabled, but Line Disconnected). This is someone whose body is there, but that is about it. They are proof that a lemon might actually be more active and communicative, if you were married to one instead of an LD’er. The LD’er shows up at the table to eat, do a little work around the home, watch some TV, attempt to have some form of sex, but they are never really ‘connected’. A relationship is not only shared experiences, but shared souls. Hence the idea of being ‘one’. If you find yourself living ‘alone’ in a ‘relationship’ then something is off and it could be you are married to a “LD’er.
This segues to a four letter word for most men. TALK – Yes you actually need to communicate on a regular basis. I know this four letter word brings fear to the most hearty man, but if you are a ‘real’ man and have what it takes, you will learn to talk. That blank spot in your head that all men carry, doesn’t really work for a woman. LEARN TO COMMUNICATE what you are thinking (when you are).
Next is “Space… the Integral frontier”. In my early days of being madly in love, I thought we needed to be in each others stuff ALL of the time. At first it’s cute, quaint, and shiny (as I like to say). However, too much of ANYTHING can be bad. Once you get over the newness of a relationship, it’s time for ‘normal’. NORMAL folk in NORMAL relationships do some alone things. One of my favorite Christian Artists from back in the 80’s was a dude named Wayne Watson. He wrote a song “Every Now and Again”. The words start with:
“It’s good to be lonely, every now and again, to be parted from the ones you adore, to sit at a table for two all alone, take a look at the world around you.”
This seemed like bad stuff as a shiny, new, married man. “My word in Heaven”, was I wrong. A good relationship has space. What you find out, if you are with “the” partner, is you are connected on a level that truly is always and constant, but you don’t need or have to be in each others face ALL of the time. Just because you are ‘one’ doesn’t mean you live in each others face all of the time. “One” doesn’t mean physically connected. That is what we call Siamese Twins, and it doesn’t work well 24 hours a day.
Next on the list – The “De-partner” – What is this? Well, if you are going to be a partner, no matter if you work outside or inside the home, it is a J.O.B.. Sitting around eating bon bons, letting your little world just pile up more and more is for a talk show topic. I am sure most of those overdramatized shows show the excesses of this, but you get the point… it takes two to make a life. If one isn’t contributing, then they are using your lungs, legs, brain, mouth, and money to live their life through you, and friends, that is a train wreck of Hiroshima proportions. Two people need to be in the trenches together.
My last one is the the PT syndrome – That would be “Pastor/Therapist” relationship. Having one person who is always the ‘voice of authority’ or ‘knowing’ doesn’t work. You both need to come to the table with the fact that YOU DON’T ALWAYS KNOW WHAT IS BEST OR WHAT YOU ARE DOING. Also, if coming home to another situation where your knowledge from on high, or your voice of ‘knowing’ is THE integral part of why you are together, you are gonna run out of ‘you’. This would be why said pastors or therapists have 45 minute to hour long sessions. They can only go so far. Hint – when you no longer have the answer, you are worthless relationally. “What good are you, if you don’t ‘know’?” They are going to want their money back. 🙂
To put this all together, it is true from time to time we rescue, we listen, we are in each others space and we give opinions and suggestions. However, when these become the defining factor of your relationship, you find they start to burn out, and you could end up alone or starting over again with a new relationship because you wore out the old one like a pair of shoes.
In my humble, broken opinion, a real relationship is one that ‘nurtures’ the other partner. It brings life, joy, and happiness. Though we all go through rough times, it isn’t the norm. A relationship is about two pulling together as one.
Just my thoughts.
Safe Travels…
